4 Warning Signs Your Relationship May Be in Trouble : Insights from the Gottman Method​

Relationships can be complex, and it's not always easy to recognize when they're heading toward trouble. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, identified four behaviors—known as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse"—that can predict relationship breakdown with over 90% accuracy. Understanding these signs can help couples take proactive steps to strengthen their bond.

1. Criticism

Criticism involves attacking your partner's character rather than addressing specific behaviors. Phrases like "You always..." or "You never..." are common indicators.

What to do instead :

• Use a gentle start-up : Begin conversations calmly and respectfully.

• Express feelings using "I" statements : Focus on how you feel rather than blaming your partner.

• Take responsibility : Acknowledge your role in the issue and work collaboratively toward a solution

2. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a way of self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood to ward off a perceived attack. It often escalates the conflict.​

What to do instead :

• Accept responsibility : Even if only for part of the conflict.

• Listen to your partner's concerns : Show empathy and understanding.

• Be open to influence : Consider your partner's perspective and be willing to compromise.​

3. Contempt

Contempt is the most destructive of the four behaviors. It conveys disgust and superiority, often through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, or eye-rolling.

What to do instead :

• Build a culture of appreciation : Regularly express gratitude and respect for your partner.

• Recognize and accept your partner's flaws : Understand that no one is perfect.

• Foster mutual support : Encourage each other's growth and well-being.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the other. It often happens when someone is feeling overwhelmed.​

What to do instead :

• Take a break : If emotions are running high, agree to pause the conversation and return to it later.

• Practice self-soothing : Engage in activities that help you calm down.

• Stay connected : Make a conscious effort to remain emotionally available to your partner.

Conclusion

Recognizing these four behaviors is the first step toward improving your relationship. By replacing them with healthier communication patterns, couples can build stronger, more resilient connections. If you find these patterns present in your relationship, consider seeking guidance from a qualified couples therapist.​